PINEAPPLE DANCE STUDIOS

Check out Pineapple Dance Studios on Sky1 Sunday's at 6pm. It's a trip into bonkersville. You watch it from behind the sanctity of a cushion, squirming at what is unfolding before your eyes...

Firstly, there's the Artistic Director Louie Spence. Shy and retiring wallflower he ain't. He vies for camera time by showing off his various talents such as shoving his legs back behind ears, or grand jete-ing around the reception area, the toilets or in the street outside the studios when he spots some builders. The builders are doing some renovation work to the studios and look absolutely terrified when Louie pops by with his ballet steps and 'come hither' fluttering eyelashes. Louie was a tour de force in last weeks show when in his attempt to show the young dancers how to strut their stuff (not to mention the chance to grab a soupcon of camera time at every opportunity), he went off like a whirling dervish on speed, doing flick flacks, somersaults, high splits with polite applause and encouragement from the bemused dancers. Louie then sat down and through gritted teeth, turned to camera and said something on the lines of 'show's over darlings, think I've split my spleen, but I was fab-u-lous wasn't I?' Eyes and teeth Louie, eyes and teeth as there's no business like showbusiness...

Then there's Dance Teacher Andrew Stone. He has a look of a cross between David Van Day and Darren Day and has the likeability to match. He's an aspiring popstar who rather modestly claims 'there are some who are in showbusiness, and there are some who just ARE showbusiness. I am showbusiness'. It's pure agony to watch such deluded self-belief.

And finally, for that final step into la-la land, your senses are assaulted by the bulging-eyed Tricia Walsh-Smith. She was the lady who gained infamy by going on YouTube following her separation and telling the world how rubbish her errant husband was in bed. Nowadays, she's on the brink of record contracts and needs dance lessons from Pineapple to back up her strange singing voice. Eccentric is a word that doesn't do Tricia enough justice. It's clear that all three 'personalities' have monster egos, they are demanding of attention and completely self-absorbed. They are truly awful in their pursuit of fame and appreciation of their craft. However, the more you watch it, the more compelling it becomes. It's a world I would never want to be part of. It's bitchy, it's false, it's luvvy-dahhhling and it's thoroughly competitive. The main characters are neither likeable nor especially charismatic. The programme grabs you by the scruff of your neck and however hard to try and break free, it draws you back in.

Watch it if you dare for 30 minutes of high camp, show-offs and freaks held together by an excellent voiceover from Michael Buerk. Call it a dance version of Come Dine With Me and try hard not to get hooked....