The first story which caught my eye was of a local man swearing at a mounted police officer and his police horse Sawley. He took exception at the police horse being 'ugly' to such an extent that he moved in towards the poor unsuspecting Sawley who was just minding his own business like you do when you're a police horse. The man shouted up to the police officer 'if you bring that ugly thing near me, you'll both regret it'. He then slapped Sawley across the face. The man was arrested for being drunk and disorderly and later fined £65 with £45 costs. Sawley is undergoing an intensive course of psychological treatment to rebuild his shattered self-esteem. He's a sad figure these days, spending time alone in his stable with his iPod humming along to Christina Aguilera's 'You are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down, no nooooo, so don't you bring me down to-day'. so let that be a warning before you start necking your 2 litre bottle of White Lightning cider for £2.99.. Don't get drunk or else you may end up slapping a really ugly horse across the face and as a consequence it ends up with no self-confidence.
The second story involves disabled pensioner Margaret Busby who nipped into her local Co-Op Travel and booked what she thought was 'a nice and peaceful' holiday. The travel agent booked her into an 18-30's style Fiesta Jungla hotel in Magaluf which hosted round-the-clock parties, uncontrollable teenagers and revellers having sex in the swimming pool. That sounds like a normal Friday night out in Blackpool so you would have thought Margaret would have felt right at home.
However, Margaret described the resort as 'the holiday from Hell' and has made an official complaint. I bet she sat on her balcony for hours each evening staring at the pool area whilst wiping her bifocals muttering how hellish it was. Margaret went on to say 'it was atrocious. The hotel was called Fiesta Jungla and it was like a jungle'. Wow, you mean they had bushtucker trials and Kim Woodburn ate kangaroos testicles alongside her paella and dos cerveza por favors?
Rumour has it, she's booked two weeks all-inclusive with pool-side view in July. Purely for research purposes you understand...