Thursday, 25 March 2010


Ah, the beautiful game.. most love it.. some get infuriated by it.. some loathe it. I absolutely love it, always have done and probably always will do. But even I'm realistic enough to know that there are some really annoying things about football. Allow me to take you on the journey of things that make my blood boil about football...

The spitting is relentless and occurs across all levels of football. I don't often see competitors in rugby or cricket spitting so why footballers? Even more gruesome is when you spot footballers spitting when walking down the tunnel about to go onto the pitch. Maybe they're not bright enough to realise that someone has to clean that mess up afterwards, usually a cleaner on the minimum wage. But to top it all is the footballer's nasty habit of holding one nostril and blowing down the other to expel vast quantities of catarrah. Nice. That's despite wearing a big blob of Vicks smeared on their footy shirts which helps the young, fit healthy millionaires breathe through 90 minutes.

Crap goal celebrations
In the 60's and 70's when footballers were called Norman or Ramsbottom, footballers used to shake hands when they scored. Nowadays, we have boxing spas with the corner flag (Cahill), cupping ears at opposition fans (Tevez), index finger to lips in shushing motion at opposition supporters (Arshavin), back flips (Nani) rubbish roly polys (Robbie Keane), robotic dancing (Crouch) and many numerous examples of childish walks, rolls and jumping on each other. One example which is currently getting on my nerves is the constant pointing at other players to acknowledge their part in a six yard tap in (see Wayne Rooney).

Wearing accessories
Arriving at the match festooned in huge wireless headphones, clutching a Louis Vuitton shower bag, wearing diamond earrings in both ears and having them sellotaped to earlobes during the match, wearing gloves in spring, wearing roll-neck jumpers under footy shirts, wearing t shirts displaying message like 'Team Bridge' and displaying if goal scored... the list is endless and really annoying in equal measures...

Includes WAGS who try to be celebrities in their own right and especially when they launch perfume ranges. Kiss and tell wannabees who prey on our young naive millionaires and gain thousands of pounds telling lurid stories of 7 times a night sex romps in a Travel Lodge outside Alderley Edge. Wives who stand by their philandering n'er do wells despite numerous infidelities (see Toni Terry, Cheryl Cole)

Sky pundits and match reporters
Anyone who watches Sky Sports on Saturdays will know what I mean. Particular awfulness goes to Paul Merson, Phil Thompson, Chris Kamara and Charlie Nicholas. The words excitable, shouty, cliche-ridden and overly exuberant spring to mind. The phrase money for old rope also springs to mind.

Yorkshire Men
Football and Yorkshiremen do not mix. They should stick to mining, not getting their hand in their pocket, talking funny and breeding ferrets. They should stay clear of football because they are just rubbish at trying to be good. Examples of this are.. Mick 'Ah reet' McCarthy, Steve 'By eck it's raining down thee neck' McLaren, Neil 'it's everyone else's fault Sheffield yow-nited went down' Warnock and best of all.. Dean Windass. Have you ever heard Dean Windass bringing a match report from some second division ground? My God, who signed him up? Truly awful

They all go down in the box like being shot from a sniper position but some are worse than others. I'm thinking Didier Drogba. Just to digress, players who show an imaginary card at the ref, shout 'I got the ball' whilst drawing an imaginary ball with their fingers are also worth taking outside the ground for a right good kicking.

No, I don't mean violining in the penalty box. It's when a substitute is about to come on, all the cameras are on him awaiting this monumentus moment. The manager and coaching staff are giving detailed tactical instructions in his lughole whilst he sports a glazed nodding expression. And then it happens... our young footballer feels the need to grab his todger or gonads, stretch them a bit and rearrange them to the other side of his underpants. Just why do footballers feel the need to do that? How uncomfortable can it be sat in shorts for 30 minutes on a bench? Get a grip for goodness sake... No, perhaps not.

Excessive wages
If you have world class players, you begrudgingly have to expect that they will attract world class salaries. £120,000 a week is somewhat obscene whichever way you try and justify it. Most footy fans get really annoyed about average, third-rate players who get paid £50,000+ a week for getting erm... 8 goals a season or spending most of it injured.

Foreign takeovers
Inevitable I suppose with the amount of money especially in the premiership at the moment. United fans are very uneasy at the Glazers huge debt off set against the club. Also the Man City new money and Chelski old money hasn't landed any major prizes but sees a worrying exchange of managers at the drop of a hat. I struggling to think of many teams in the top flight without foreign owners. It's not a comfortable thought.

The games big characters
Which generally a euphemism for dickheads. Dare I mention Big Ron, little Gordon Strachan, Robbie Savage, Christiano Ronaldo, John Terry, and Barry Fry to name but a few? Oops, I just did.

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