NEVER DRINK PROSECCO...

Last night saw the reunion at Fishfingerbutty Towers of three of my ex-colleagues from ICL-Fujitsu. We've all known each other for years and shared the best and worst of times working in the IT industry. Two of us were outstanding in the build and test of STAPx code. Two of us blagged our way through 10 years not having a clue what we were supposed to be doing and shaking our heads in disbelief for getting away with it for so long. I was in the latter category...

The night started well with dips, a few glasses of wine and reminiscing about some of the pranks the blaggers got up to. The naughtiness inflicted against our rather impressive hourly rate was legendary.. anything to brighten up the dullest jobs in history.

A few more glasses of wine and Dogger (her occasional nickname which preserves her good name and anonymity), starts to reflect on her recent good fortune on finding her dream partner. She is in the first flush of a new romance, those heady, lusty days in the initial stages of a new relationship. Dogger is quite shy in the romance department and being the youngest of the four of us, she nervously begins to look for some sort of reassurance whilst spilling the beans on her recent naughty purchases via an online website. That was her big mistake. Trying to keep our faces straight, Dogger tells us earnestly that she's done her research on size, weight, materials, hypo-allergenic qualities and price comparison before settling on a purchase to spice up her evenings. That's what we love about Dogger. She's so logical and completely lacking in any impulsive qualities when buying something as saucy as a dildo. Research is her middle name. Moving onwards with the tale and despite squirming with embarrassment, Dogger relates the story of her getting to work, sitting in a meeting and her mobile phone rings...

'Good morning madam, it's Alexander from Loveshack UK'

D: 'Er... yeeee-ss?'

A: 'I'm afraid your order for the purple Tantus Silicon model in size medium is out of stock'

D: 'Send anything' (in a high octave, hushed panicky voice)

A: 'We only have the black mamba size large available. Shall we send that?'

D: 'Send it'

A: 'Is that a confirmed order madam? The black or purple erm.. sex toy in size large'?

D: 'YES, YES, PURPLE...FOR GOD'S SAKE SEND IT, SEND IT NOW, JUST DON'T RING ME AGAIN'

A: 'Thank you madam. I'll process your order now. Can we interest you in any love beads?'

D: 'No. Now Fxxx Off'.

You have to know and love Dogger to picture how excruciatingly mortified she would be by receiving a call like that especially at work. You'd also have to know the three of us teasing her mercilessly with questions ranging from frequency of use, does it bend, does it smell funny, do you put it in the dishwasher for deep cleansing? The story suddenly becomes darker with tales of further purchases, and fuelled with more wine we became hysterical. For the sake of propriety, I can't divulge any further, but boy it was filthy and of course, very very funny.To finish us off completely, Dogger feels the need to describe the colour of her latest acquisition. ''You know that wallpaper in my mum's bedroom? Well my new erm... bedroom thing is the purple of that small viola on the repeat pattern pependicular to the large floral print'. Bemused, she goes on to explain 'the only trouble is keeping it clean'... I use Femfresh on it but it still collects loads of dust'..

And talking of Femfresh, Dogger and I nipped over to Ireland a few years back and stayed in a B&B. I went for a shower after her, got some shower gel in my eyes and reached out for what I thought was my shampoo, squirted it onto my flowing locks only to find out in horror that I'd used her Femfresh. Dogs were following me round all round sniffing round my legs. I never realised that anyone actually bought Femfresh let alone displayed it in a shower for friends to use a later stage in a blog.

Anyway, last night has to go down as one of the best nights I've had in ages. A very late night with great mates catching up on the gossip and sharing some well-deserved laughter. It was probably the drink, but we've even considered seriously booking a 'Most Haunted' style weekend away in a tour of a derelict mental asylum down South. Mad? Yep, we sussed that years ago. It's a common bond between us......