I've often wondered how some of today's multi-millionaire, often image conscious sportsmen and women can possibly have such diabolical hairstyles. Do these people not have mirrors? Take Carlos Tevez aka Eddie Munster for instance. Now Carlos is not exactly blessed in the looks department, and has recently adopted an annoying Fatima Whitbread bum wriggle when he scores and cups his hands around his ears provocatively at the United fans, but that aside, he also sports a really crap hairstyle. Imagine Neanderthal man meets an oil slick of Torrey Canyon proportions... that's the hairstyle. When it's not reigned in by a nylon bandanna, it's let loose to mingle with his sweat and stick around his face and neck. Carlos, get down to Vidal Sassoon's on King Street, Manchester and sort yourself out.
What do these four have in common... Andy Murray, Susan Boyle, Graeme Souness and Moira Stewart? The answer is Scottish, dour, a bit loopy and all have the same crap hairdos.
The tough manly game of rugby can be enhanced by using Gavin Henson's example... wax off all traces of body hair, get a San Tropez spray-on tan and a little teeth whitening. Finish off by getting some lowlights in your hair, tousle it forward onto your face by the skilled application of L'Oreal hair gel and voila... Tyrone Dobbs from Corrie.
Everton's Marouane Fellaini who hasn't heard of GHD's, frizz ease, or tweezers for that matter for his rather disturbing monobrow. Looks to Tito Jackson circa 1973 for inspiration and style sense.
Dame Ellen MacArthur's haircut can at best be described as 'functional' and a look most likely to be seen on a 13 year old paperboy. During her solo record-breaking round the world record sail, presumably Ellen was a little busier with her spinnakers rather than her hair straighteners.
Brett Lee joins the long list of haircuts preferred by most Australian cricketers and indeed Australian men in general. Fair hair is lightened by bleached blonde highlights, cut by someone with cataracts and spiked up at the front by liberal use of hair gel in the style of Stan Laurel. See also Shane Warne, Crocodile Dundee and Cameron Diaz on 'There's Something Like Mary'.
Bet you'd thought I'd slipped in a footballer sporting the ubiquitous 1970's perm, but sadly Newcastle United's Coloccini plays in 2010. His hairstyle is currently starring with DCI Gene Hunt in Life On Mars. This hairdo should be confined to the Boston, Journey or Foreigner power ballad groups of the 80's. What's ok in Argentina doesn't travel as well in the likes of Gateshead or South Shields. Crap defender, crap hairstyle.
Shy and retiring golfer Ian Poulter has a penchant for wearing union jack trousers or pink plus fours. He finishes off the full flamboyant effect with a dodgy haircut, yellowy bleach and red dye combo.
I'm really struggling to think of a current sportsman who sports a good hairstyle. Most sporting hairstyles seem to be skinheads or spikes enhanced by lashings of hair gel. Roger Federer perhaps?