Dancing on Ice returns on our screens tonight on tv. Always the poor relation to Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor, DOI still provides a weirdly compelling and slightly tacky televisual bonanza of z list celebs strutting their stuff on the ice rink. It has all the naff ingredients that has managed to draw in millions of viewers each series... spandex, sequins, budding romances, dramatic falls and injuries, vote offs and a panto-esque villian in the shape of resident bitchy and overly queenie Jason Gardiner. Jason of course, milks the part of villain for all its worth. Coming from a background of musical choreography (paradoxically not ice dancing), he doesn't let that stand in the way of making stinging comments on our poor little ice dancer triers. He hit the dizzy heights with his comments on olympic swimmer Sharron Davies' efforts when she did a spectacularly dull performance bedecked in a brown sequinned dancing outfit. Describing her performance as 'like faecal matter that won't flush away' was at best unkind and despite receiving floods of complaints, it got him and DOI some great publicity.
This year's 16 contestants:-
Angela Rippon - BBC newsreader from the 1930's
Chloe Madeley - lisp inflicted daughter of equally nauseous Richard & Judy
Comedy Dave Vitty - who?
Craig McLachlan - had a mullet when appearing in Neighbours in the 80's
Denise Welch - middle-aged Loose Woman
Dominic Cork - ex-cricketer
Elen Rives - ex-WAG and mother of Frank Lampard's kids. Oh Lordy
Jeff Brazier - ex of Jade Goody (of Big Brother and early death fame)
Jennifer Metcalfe - no sorry, I've no idea
Johnson Beharry - ex Army and awarded Victoria Cross in Gulf War
Kerry Katona - faecal matter that won't flush away
Laura Hamilton - nope, no idea
Nadia Sawalha - her sister played Saffron in Ab Fab years ago.
Sam Attwater - not a clue, sorry
Steven Arnold - killed off in Corrie over christmas, now free for DOI and panto
Vanilla Ice - how very clever to get a contestant's name to fit the show's format.
Which brings me nicely to the greatest Dancing On Ice moment? Has to be Todd Carty doesn't it?