CLEVELEYS... GOD'S WAITING ROOM

Had a frustrating weekend of trying to get my mobile phone upgraded, made more frustrating by the fact I had to go to Cleveleys to get it done. To avoid parking in Blackpool, I made the mistake of going to the O2 shop in Cleveleys. It's a nice little town but with a few flaws.. It's population has quite possibly an average age of 76. All of whom go shopping on a Saturday in their walkers, motorised carts, wheelchairs and Nissan Micras (on Motability Scheme). In order to cater for this aging population, Cleveleys has about 128 cafes on a half mile main street offering Senior Citizen afternoon tea specials. It has clothing shops named 'City Look' or 'House of Jeanette'. I often cast a glance at the crimpolene, elasticated waisted trousers and clothes on the racks outside 'City Look' and wonder what city exactly is this 'look' trying to portray? Warsaw, Minsk or maybe Tirana in Albania perhaps? Certainly not Milan that's for sure. Cleveleys must be the only place where you can buy all-year round fleece jackets with pictures of dolphins, horses, wolves or west highland terriers printed on the back. Do they sell? Are you kidding? They fly off the racks outside City Look. And for Cleveleys men? Tracky bottoms and white trainers accessorised by a zipped up cardy seems to be the fashion de choice. Talking of Cleveleys men, try walking behind one and time it to 38 seconds before he stops dead, turns his head and his body follows in slow succession until the 180 degrees is completed in 90 seconds while you're left pinching the bridge of your nose trying to stem the flow of blood after you crash into the skull of Mr Nosey Parker. That's beside the injuries sustained from motorised carts bumping into your pelvis or shin bones.

Anyway, I get into the 02 shop and a boy shop assistant aged 13 tells me I can't upgrade until my contract is up (the day after). So I go back again today and find the only parking space in Cleveleys (in M&S carpark which holds 6 cars), fight through the fleece jackets and wheelchairs and get to the 02 shop. All going well until I come to give my card details, and no card. Left it at home after buying some online Mothers Days flowers earlier. Another traipse to Cleveleys and managed to get parked in M&S again. Got my phone and splintered both shins on the walk across to Tesco Express - another haven for the Golden Oldies who clog up all the cashier lanes in order to buy a packet of PG Tips and some crumpets.

Here's the strangest thing.. I'm muttering to myself and nonchalantly looking at the latest offers on shampoo when I tapped on my shoulder and asked by a young and reasonably easy-on-the-eye Eastern European chappie which shampoo and conditioner I could recommend. Anyway, the conversation goes on a while with me using my dimpled charm and making witty reposts about dandruff and alopecia which to his credit, had him laughing in that polite Polish way. He had probably driven in from Gdansk sometime last week, taken one look at Cleveleys and was just desperate to speak to someone under 50 and with their faculties intact and their own teeth. So a bit of chatter and harmless flirting in Tesco aisle 4. Bloody hell, in times like this, what would Kim Cattrall do? Yeah, I know, I know. More's the pity, I mentally made a note that Polish Pete was aged about 26 which is a tad on the young side. Besides which, I hadn't shaved my legs for 3 days and Man United were about to start kicking off in the League Cup Final at 3pm. With that, I slinked out of Tesco with a toss of the hair, a friendly wink and a backwards wave whilst Peteski is left holding two bottles of Pantene Pro V for extra volume and a new respect for English women because they know their shit about shampoo.

I jauntily manoeuvred around the numerous mobility aids and back to my car parked in the M&S car park whilst whistling ZZ Top's 'Gimme All Your Lovin'. Sat in my car and waiting to go, I was stopped in my tracks by elderly man trying to park his car into the UK's smallest parking space. This caused a bit of a hold-up until patience ran out and drivers started sounding horns. The elderly driver then started to panic and the car was kangarooing in once direction, stalling, then lunging forward in the opposite direction. This went on for 20 minutes until a bloke behind me went to the driver's window and offered to park it for him in order to put him out of his misery, not to mention the other drivers misery. All traces of previous good mood soon evaporated when I saw that the footy match had started and I'd missed nearly all the first half.

Ah well, two years before I have to renew my phone contract which means I won't have to go to Cleveleys again for another 24 months or 104 weeks or 730 days. I think I'll treat myself to a leg shave and a dolphin fleece from City Look to celebrate....