Lately, I've begun that slippery slope decline into middle age when you get up in the night to go to the loo. That impossible to ignore message that alarms your brain and hips into action warning of impending Tsunami in the bladder department. So at 3am, my zombie-like half unconscious body was dragged across the carpet towards the bathroom muttering as I stubbed my toe.
Back to sleep, then at 4am, I thought I'd been shot in the leg by a sniper bullet. Sitting bolt upright and demanding gas and air whilst using words mostly beginning with F, I realise I had a leg cramp in my calf muscle. I had one years ago, but had forgotten the intense pain they cause. On the pain scale, they come just behind leg amputation without anaesthetic and childbirth. Not only that, your leg goes into spasm with the foot involuntarily flopping one way, then stiffly lurching the other way. Just to complete the carefully cultured image of sexiness, I'm thrashing round the bed with duvet and pillows flying and then trying to stretch a leg in spasm by sticking it upright through moans, groans and bad language. It's the longest 15 minutes of your life it really is.
So after a sleepless night, I feel like death. Cheerios for breakfast because I haven't got the energy to make bacon butties. My neighbours looked sheepish when I stopped to say good morning. I now fear I'm on the brink of an ASBO through my reputation as a bit of screamer during night time activities.
And it's back to work tomorrow....