CAMERON ... D+ MUST DO BETTER

To counteract accusations of PM Gordon Brown being the new Bully Beef and Chips comic strip character including allegations of flushing Tomkins head down the toilet and taking tuck shop money from the the first form back benchers, journalists have uncovered a not so glittering academic record from David Cameron MP.

It appears his school report from the 1978 term at Heatherdown Prep School revealed David was second bottom in Geography and French and overall worst performer to year end. I doubt that will come as a huge shock to anyone. After all, the aristocracy, landed gentry and even Royalty are not renowned for their academic prowess. The term 'rich as Croesus, thick as pigshit' springs to mind when describing our upper classes. Winston Churchill is probably the best example of the school dunce rising to a position of immense power despite not being able to learn his times tables or to remember the rule to use i before e except after c. David did however, acquit himself later in his academic studies by going on to get a first class degree with honours from Oxford. So, is David Cameron a credible PM in waiting? A foppish man coming from extraordinary privilege, who was educated at the elitist Heatherdown, Eton and Oxford. Could he really be a man of the people, in tune with urban inner-city communities through to the regeneration of Northern industrial towns and cities following mass unemployment?

David Cameron's background of being able to trace his ancestry to the royal line through Queen Victoria, perhaps gives impetus to the notion that the aristocracy can be relied upon to breed generation after generation of halfwits wearing tweed suits and brogues from the age of 2, but not knowing a great deal about archimedes principle or trigonometry. The 'establishment' perpetuates the rite of passage for these numbskulls to glide effortlessly through elite educational institutions through to positions of power and influence in later life. David Cameron's initial failings at school is sadly the rule rather than the exception. Although he perhaps did a little better later on through his academic achievements, many more in banking, politics, stockbroking and the armed services are there by virtue of privilege rather than intellect. My own schooldays saw the less academic lads being put into the C stream and it seemed they spent 5 years doing metalwork and gardening. Had Dave been brought up just outside Blackpool instead of a 20,000 acre estate in Surrey, he'd know a thing or two about welding and bizzy lizzies and would probably give Charlie Dimmock a run for her money in the Blackpool, Wyre and Fylde allotments Miss Wet Compost T Shirt Contest.

And finally, this will make you laugh (or cry) .... on David's sports day at Heatherdown Prep School, it was reported that many parents flew in via helicopter and parked up on the third eleven polo pitch. To facilitate the need for extra washrooms, the school put up three lots of toilet facilities... One for Gentlemen, one for ladies and the other? ...for chauffeurs.

Laugh? I will if the Tories get in and David has to spell council estate.....