CORRIE CHARACTERS I LOVE TO HATE...

What's happened to Corrie lately? It used to be fun.. Northern humour mixed every now and again with drama and pathos. I watch it now and it's turned into care into the community with psycho's, gun drama, infidelity and just plain madness. The opening credits have changed and I'm not struck. And if that wasn't bad enough, even some of the characters are getting on my wick. Allow me to take you through the current crop who quite frankly, need culling with a dose of swine flu. Or a plane coming down on the cobbles on it's descent to Ringway airport might do the trick.  

Exhibit A - Nick Tilsley (Ben Price). As if the old Nick played by Adam Rickets wasn't bad enough ie. getting his shirt off at every opportunity, they replace him with Ben Price who was known previously for getting his shirt off in Footballers Wives. And where did he inherit those ears and cleft chin from? Certainly not his screen mother Gail McIntyre who is a cross between a troll and a dormouse. Annoying rating 10/10 - time he treated his hairdresser girlfriend a little better than constantly taking her to the Rovers for a cheese sandwich. Also, it's getting a tad annoying watching Nick deliver each line through gritted teeth as though having his 3rd and 4th vertebrae crushed. 

Exhibit B - Trevor the binman (Steve Jackson). Ignored Janice's advances and offers of a chippy tea each Thursday in order to pursue and indeed bed, factory boss and firebrand Carla Connor. This is about as unlikely a pairing as you'll ever see. Lets look at the evidence, would Carla really fall for someone a) called Trevor? b) who's a binman? c) looks like he could do with a good wash? The answer is never in a month of Sundays. Oh, and he can't act either... Annoying rating 10/10 - bin him now in recycling ie. Holby City or the Bill. 

Exhibit C - Norris Cole and Mary Taylor (Malcolm Hebden and Patti Clare). Watching the build up to this failed romance was bad enough but hit new heights of naffness during the 'Misery' scenes when Mary held Norris captive in their cottage on the Yorkshire moors. Silly storyline punctuated by constant 'a.a.a.a.a.a I love you Norris' or 'a.a.a.a.a I want to get back to the Cabin, Mary'. Watch these two stuttering actors ply their craft. Once you notice the stuttering at the beginning of each line, you can't help but want to drive over to Granada Studios and cut the brakes on their motor home. And please Mary, look to a heterosexual man who will give you the sex you so fervently crave because clearly Norris is never going to provide it... Annoying rating 8/10 nymphomania and newsagents never mix well. 

Exhibit D - Rosie and Sophie Webster (Helen Flanagan and Brooke Vincent). One is a right little strumpet who gets her kit off with alarming regularity - usually with older men or footballers playing for Wetherfield County. Answers to the name of 'Rerrsie' when being beckoned downstairs by her mum. Has ambitions of becoming a WAG or a page 3 model. Her younger sister Sophie (or Surr-phee) when being beckoned downstairs for her tea by Sal, is Rosie's polar opposite. A bible-basher turned recent lesbian. Another unlikely pairing but hey.. it grabs a few more teenage boy viewers from EastEnders. Annoying rating 9/10 - both should have been drowned at birth.  

Exhibit E - Kirk Sutherland (Andy Whyment). Can anyone get through life being so stupid? He manages to bag a few women - Fizz, Julie and his latest love-interest, wheelchair user Izzy, despite not being able to string a sentence together, generally being out of work all the time (his only previous work experience was as a dog walker) and only ever really hanging around with 12 year old lads called Chesney. Annoying rating 5/10 - the Mancunian Forrest Gump. 
  

Exhibit F - Deirdre Barlow (Anne Kirkbride). Doesn't so much act, as points her belt at the other character. Her character is reduced to angst-ridden crying sessions over her lost mam (the superb and sadly missed Blanche) and our Tracy. And what does she sound like when she's crying? A cow in labour, that's what. Truly awful. When she's not crying, she's smoking and ever now and again, treats the viewers to one of those throaty, phlegmy laughs that only a 40 a day smoker can produce. Still, the throaty, crying Dierdre has to be better than vampish Deirdre especially when she embarks on an adulterous relationship. I will never get over the sight of her and Dev having a one night stand. I bet his duvet still smells of Lambert and Butler. Annoying rating 7/10 - anyone got a light?

Exhibit G - Bill Webster (Peter Armitage). Where do I start with Bill. He's annoying in that he leaves half a pint of Newton and Ridley in his moustache. Like Kirk, he manages to bag women at an alarming rate despite talking only of stopcocks, spanners and whippets. He usually has a gormless, mouth-gaping  view on life especially when son Kevin (who Bill thoughtfully passed on the gormless gene to) tells him about important stuff like sh*gging Molly and getting her pregnant or carburettors. Bill's normal response is to wipe the froth off his moustache and say something thought-provoking and deeply philosophical like 'by 'eck our Kevin'. Annoying rating 9/10 - something please unscrew the scaffolding bolts a little cause a little... erm... accident. Tracy Barlow or David Platt will get blamed for it anyway.. 




Have I missed any others?