Did anyone watch last night's Britain's Got Talent with gaping mouth and eyebrows raised. My eyebrows have taken a full 24 hours to return to their normal position. This week sees the acts who passed the audition stages ready for next weekend's BGT final. The winner from that programme (chosen by ITV1 viewers) gets to perform for the Queen aka Madge at the Royal Variety Performance.
I've missed quite a number of the auditions, so last night's acts were new to me. Firstly, we were treated to Kevin Cruise a 40-something camp man who works as an entertainer on cruise liners. The video intro filmed Kevin talking about his 'journey' and strangely went into planet la-la with him walking around his local shopping centre dressed in a natty captain's hat saying coooo-eeee to bemused and frankly scared young men. His persona is completed by a blond wig and ridiculously fake tanned face. And then came the performance... it was how I'd imagine what tripping on LSD is like. It was manic, camp and very, very strange. The crescendo led to Kevin stripping off his trousers to reveal two things of hideousness - lycra shorts and a popped out testicle. A little readjustment and that old showbiz saying 'the show must go on' and Kevin admirably carried on whilst I was gagging on my marshmallows. I can't even look at another plum after that.
And it got worse. We were then treated to a middle-aged man dressed in a Richard the Lionheart straight from the Crusades costume. His act? Chopping wood into kindling. I kid you not. Chopping frigging wood whilst singing the Robin Hood theme to new lyrics... 'chopping wood, chopping wood, chopping through my wood'. This went on for two gruesome minutes until you're begging for two things to happen.. For those three f*ckwits to press their reject buttons, or better still, Mr. No-Talent chops his hand off with a slip of his chopper. Sadly, neither happened.
They were they worst acts. Not far behind was the token young girl singer with flicky hair and tooth brace singing about unrequited love and heartbreak. Like you'd know at 14? You know about texting, GHD's and saying things like 'OH MY GOD, that's soooooo AMAZING' repeatedly.
Fortunately, a really good gymnastics/dance routine got through who were genuinely talented and watchable. I shall still be watching this week for more acts destined for summer season at Pontins....