Saturday, 5 February 2011


...and just for further proof that the UK goes mad for dogs (although I don't), check out this little beauty from Crufts 2010. Crufts, in case you don't know, is a yearly dog show where dog breeders show off their pooches for prizes in the show. It's big business and gets big coverage on tv, though sadly not in my house as I would rather watch a) paint dry b) anal warts on C4's 'Embarrassing Bodies'. Whenever I've stumbled across Crufts being broadcast (usually during periods of having a high temperature and being in a feverish state and under the influence of lots of medication), I'm struck by the following observations:- 

1. Poodles - what is the frigging point of poodles? 
2. Dog owners - sometimes a little eccentric, garish-clothed, running like a big girl, tight trouser-suited showing a hint of camel toe.
3. Judges - Usually hugely-bosomed, matronly, severe haircut, big arse. The female judges also share similar characteristics.
4. Dog names - long and pompous and invariably on the lines of.. Lord Smegma of Skye in Sequin Plaid Kitten Heels III aka 'Angus'
5. Judging criteria - worryingly involves the huge bosomed one squeezing the dog's face, having a quick feel around the trossachs, lifting the tail for a quick check of the dog's arse, a subtle lubrication of the index finger without latex gloves...
6. Overuse of double entendres - '..and doesn't Tracy handle her foo-foo well in the ring'. 

Put it all together and it sums up succinctly why I despair with dogs, their owners, and Crufts. The top of the pile accolade has to go to dog owners with plactic see-through bags who shovel up dogshit and stick it in their pockets and hate poodles and poodle owners. There, I've said it...


  1. Hi there,
    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star, here. I understand what you're saying about that horror show aka Crufts.
    However, I think it's very good that Gary, the old fart I allow to live with me, is responsible and picks up my shit.
    Don't get me started on cats. Cats with their evil plan to take over the world. That would be the same cats who wander wherever they like and think it's great fun shitting in Gary's vegetable patch.
    'Arf, arf, and pawsitive wishes, your way, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star....

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  3. Hi Gary,
    Penny the Jack Russell Your dog is of course, excused from my 'Dog Hate List'. Others begrudgingly sharing exclusion from the list include:-
    Eddie (from tv's Frasier)
    Labrador puppies (from Andrex adverts)
    Sheepdogs (because they work & are very clever)
    Sniffer dogs (because they work & have very good sense of smell for drugs & bombs)

    Erm... that's it. Must have caught me on generous day.

  4. Aha, of course you do realise that it was Penny who left you the comment?
    Penny, in fact is my 'pawblisher' and is one of the best known doggers, I mean bloggers, on the internet:-)
    And before I go back to my blog. Remember this, if your house is on fire and your fire alarm isn't working, a dog would warn you, whilst kitty pisses off out the cat flap!
    Take care and have a pawsitive week, as Penny would say.