Friday, 4 February 2011


Driving through my local town this morning, I stopped at some traffic lights and  saw a dog walker. The dog had stopped and relieved itself of what looked like a ton of dog crap. Grimsville I know, and despite rebuking myself for staring, I tried desperately to distract my gaze from the dog's grimace at one end and from what was coming out the other. And then it happened. The dog owner took out a plastic bag, scooped the mess up, knotted the bag and shoved it in her jacket pocket. IN HER BLOODY POCKET. Bluuurrrgghh...
I'm not really struck on dogs. They're a bit like Nick Clegg - looks good on paper but totally impractical. They generally stink, they drool, they crap incessantly and urinate against EVERYTHING. They shed hair, they bark, they snap, they bite, they ruin furniture. They require walking, pull on their leads, run after ducks, don't come back when they're off their lead, they hog the fire. They get under your feet, they scratch, they have dog breath, they cost a friggin fortune in vets bills, they get swollen gonads. They bonk everything, they're on heat, they eat stinky food and expel stinky farts. They get worms, mange, fleas and rotten teeth. I hate them. 
The trouble is, in the UK we are besotted by them. They are loved, adored and pampered. I have a sneaking suspicion that more charity money is bestowed on the RSPCA and Battersea Dogs Home than the whole of the NSPCC, Barnardo's and ChildLine put together. Whilst out on my travels as a community nurse, I have the misfortune of coming across many, many dogs owned by patients. I hate all of them. I have to sit with glazed expression and false smile whilst little Bobby barks constantly about 3 inches from my ear, tries to copulate with my leg or jumps all over my black clothes with shitty paws. Is there something in a dog's psyche that 'knows' when someone hates them with passion, but needs to persecute that person by never leaving them alone? Many a time I've been tempted to drop-kick little Foo-Foo through the lounge window but even I don't have that much courage. And if I had a pound for every time I heard the phrase 'he's just being friendly'.  
Dogs? No thanks, you're welcome to them. And as for picking up the poo with a see-through plastic bag? WTF! 


  1. Dogs are basically arse-kissers, which why so many humans love them. Cats, on the other hand, will do their own thing. They also dig holes to shit in if they're brought up right.

  2. I forgot the 'sniffing and licking arses' things that dogs do from my list of why I hate all things canine. I can see the merits of cats as they're quite independent, but apologies GB, cats also feature highly on my top 10 of things I'm not struck on. This is probably due to all local cats using my garden to do their shitting and burying in. I'm afraid I will never win the 'animal lover of the year' title. I am however, working on winning the 'Rear Of The Year' title but that's possibly because I'm a bit of an arse.

  3. Yeah well in my never ending quest to get the nations computers running, I am frequently accosted by mutts when i am routing around behind peoples desks dealing with cables - the most disconcerting thing is to be left in the room with a merry widow - only to feel something routing around near the "twins" - swiftly turning round to find a silent dog had been happily sniffing away - YUK - but i am not too sure wether its relief that its a dog, or the merry widow has got a bit close for comfort. Shelties top my list of most annoying YAP YAP YAP dogs. But i now have a plan that seems to work, I can sometimes tell if they have dogs b4 i get thru the door, and tell them i am allergic to them, it works in a lot of cases ! and I can work un-hindered!

  4. So that's where the phrase 'the mutts nuts' comes from? I may have to try the allergy route in keeping these yapping, crap-inducing hounds from Hell away from me during visits. Thanks for the tip DP.