Wednesday, 6 January 2010

4 WHEEL DRIVE HEAVEN?

I bet the mums (or their husbands) who bought their 4x4 Chelsea tractors to take Tristan and Tabitha on the school run feel smug that they can now use their very fit-for-purpose car in the current ice and snow. No problem at all for the X5, the Audi Q7, Volvo XC90....

Fashion accessory? No, thought never crossed my mind... Carbon footprint? Pah, sod that... What's that? Off-roading? Oh yeah, I saw Stig do that once on Top Gear..looked great fun...

Oh but hang on.... all the schools have shut because of the bad weather.

...and we've run out of grit and sand.


GORDON BROWN - THE END IS NIGH.....

Latest news breaking today of a secret ballot called by Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt urging MP's to vote for confidence in Gordon Brown's leadership in the proposed elections this May.
Ah yes, the Labour contingent within the House of Commons have a sneaking suspicion that Gordon doesn't quite have the charisma to persuade the voting public of his credibility. In the media age, policies appear secondary to personality and image. In that respect, Gordon just doesn't quite cut the mustard. You can just imagine the scurrilous MP's whispering 'Loser' in hushed tones in the corridors of the Houses of Parliament.

Gordon Brown's tenure so far has not been without its problems. He 'inherited' the position of PM without an election and with speculation that this was decided in a pact with Tony Blair in a restaurant some years before. Despite making the NHS a priority and indeed ploughing many millions into providing new services and hospitals (as a nurse, I salute the Labour government for the vast improvements in my local area), Mr. Brown has had a somewhat rocky period in charge...

The UK's participation in the Iraq War and Afghanistan still continues to divide opinion and it's always hard to justify the almost daily stream of young service personnel arriving back to their loved ones in coffins.
We continue to see the effects of a worldwide recession with people losing their homes, their jobs and their savings. Gordon Brown was not individually responsible for this but is surely culpable in some part for the banking collapse and subsequent financial bail-out using taxpayers money. This continued to be a bitter pill to swallow when Sir Fred Goodwin of the RBS walked away with a financial package of our money which seemed to have little justification in the economic climate at that time.
As an ex-Chancellor and a man who appeared to have a good take on keeping a prudent eye on finances, it seems incongruous that the abuse of MP's expenses was so wide-ranging and happened in his own backyard so to speak. The system was there to be abused and boy, was it abused? There's speculation of fraudulent mortgage applications and tax evasion, but forgive me if I'm wrong here, but I don't remember Mr Brown calling for an enquiry? Again, MP's are forever tarnished with the label of money-grasping greedy gits who can't be trusted. The buck stops with the head honcho I'm afraid. Step forward Gordon and sort it out.

And finally, Mr. Brown has had so much opportunity to give that Eton-educated, Tory boy, David 'Hey, I care' Cameron a kick up the arse but has failed to take it and has instead allowed his foppish star rise in the ascendancy. The Tories appear to have little to offer other than to fall back on the old favourites such as immigration, people abusing the benefit system, inheritance tax etc etc. That should keep the Cheshire-set blue-rinse brigade happy.

The question in most people's thoughts though... who will take over from Gordie?My money's on ex-Man City manager Mark Hughes as he's out of work at the moment. Failing that, a nice charismatic, image conscious, easy to manipulate rising star of the Labour Party - has to be Ed Balls doesn't it? Privately educated, attended Oxford where he became member of the conservative association. Ring any bells?

ADVERTS? PASS ME THE REMOTE....

If anyone saw the 'Best Adverts of the Decade' programme over christmas, you couldn't help but agree there's been some clever, creative and downright brilliant adverts produced which will no doubt fulfill their purpose and be forever remembered in the nation's psyche.
Two adverts stick in my my mind for their creativity, simplicity yet brilliance... the Honda advert showing a single-take domino effect of car parts complete with Rappers Delight background track. Also the ingenious Skoda advert showing a team of bakers making an edible version of the car. I loved seeing the 'engine' being topped up with Golden syrup and liquorice used as a fan belt. Genius! Currently being televised is the superb Evian advert showing babies rollerblading to again, Rappers Delight by the Sugerhill Gang. It just makes you smile every time you watch it.

And so the the adverts which don't make me smile but have me reaching for the remote quicker than Van Morrison from a paternity suit....In other words, here's the current crop of adverts which are memorable for all the wrong reasons;

1. GoCompare.com - Italian tenor with ridiculous moustache. Not an obvious choice there?
2. WeBuyAnyCar.com - premise is to repetitively state website until you consider self harm.
3. CompareTheMarket.com - with Russian-speaking meerkat in smoking jacket. Crap - simples
4. DFS / CSL - How many times do need to see beautiful people lounging on a £399 red sofa with no interest to pay for 4 years?
5. Gold Adverts - particularly bad but check out goldbuyerman.com for jaw-dropping crapness.
6. Glade Touch & Fresh - 'I want to go to Paul's for a poo'. Personally, I want to hold the little bleeder's head down Paul's toilet for a very long time whilst flushing repeatedly.
7. Safestyle UK - Classy 'celeb' endorsements shouting at us to Buy One Get One Free or BOGOF.
8. National Accident Helpline - 'I was walking for my smear test appointment when I tripped on some dog shit and badly injured by knee. I rang Accident Helpline and was given a cheque for £5000'. Wish they'd have rung me. My helpline would have advised 'WELL IT'S YOUR OWN BLOODY FAULT YOU CLUMSY GET, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS'


Send in suggestions for more horrors which I may have overlooked...



Monday, 4 January 2010

CELEB BIG BROTHER - HERE WE GO AGAIN


Welcome to 27 days of the insanity that is Channel 4's reality tv show 'Celebrity Big Brother'. The wannabees, the deranged, the delusional, the desperate, the vacuous and the mentally ill are trundled in (albeit with healthy fees) to either boost their profile(?) or to pay their end of year tax bills. The last and final series of the doomed show began last night where the latest set of morons were trundled in under a fanfare of trumpets and Davina McCall's shouty attempts at whipping up some enthusiasm. This year's selection was a bunch of nobodies and were met by a bemused crowd of hushed murmurings 'who the f...?' The full line-up this year is:-
1. Alex Reid - cross-dressing cage fighter and famous for dating Katie Price.
2. Heidi Fleiss - Hollywood Madam and ex-prostitute
3. Nicola T - Page 3 model in 2002. Engaged to Crewe Alexandra player
4. Sisqo - American R&B singer who had one hit in 2000.
5. Katia Ivanova - describes herself as a 'model and artist' which is a euphemism for 'shagged Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood'
6. Basshunter - Swedish DJ with one hit record in 2008
7. Lady Sovereign - Rapping chav. Think thinner version of Vicky Pollard
8. Dane Bowers - was in obscure boy band. Also famous for dating Jordan
9. Stephanie Beacham - Actress. Last seen sailing off in a barge in Coronation St.
10. Stephen Baldwin - US Actor. Claim to fame is starring as Barney Rubble
11. Vinnie Jones - famous for grabbing Gazza's nuts & acting well 'ard in movies.

I know... I only knew 3 of them as well. This year's CBB is going to be remembered for 2 things.. a) who didn't make it on the show. Rumoured to be Paul Gascoigne, Boy George, Kerry Katona. Three people with serious histories of mental illness combined with drug/alcohol misuse. Wow, that's entertainment. And b) the pre-launch hype surrounding a fight-off between Jordan's ex and current beau. Not sure if Alex will be able to kick Dane's head in whilst wearing slingbacks and fishnets, but that WOULD be entertainment.

So, sit back for next 26 nights and watch the appalling freak show if you dare.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

CAUGHT OFFSIDE

Although there wasn't a great deal of newsworthy events going on over christmas, one news item did catch my eye. The Sun broke the story of a married premiership manager being caught visiting a brothel. The Sun claimed that this wasn't an isolated incident, the same manager had visited this establishment on previous occasions. However, due to privacy laws, the press cannot publish the man's name although there is plenty of speculation around the internet.

This wasn't a high class, discreet brothel considered to be the outlet of choice for a married, millionaire premiership manager. Mr.Shitforbrains (wearing club tracksuit) decides to visit a pre-fabricated unit on an industrial estate known locally as a massage parlour employing Thai and Far Eastern girls.
Aside from all the obvious arguments about married men frequenting brothels, human trafficking, potential blackmail etc etc. one of the main problems here is the recent legislation on privacy laws. This started last year when motor racing's Max Mosely was 'outed' by the News of the World for taking part in a 'Nazi-themed orgy' with a number of prostitutes. It was decided that individuals have the basic human right to 'privacy and a family life' and therefore the reporting of sexual transgressions are not deemed to be in the public interest. In a nutshell, under privacy law papers may not publish things that are true.

My view is this, if you're in the public eye and you wish to visit brothels, go dogging on Hampstead Heath, participate in Nazi-themed orgies, or wear a Chelsea kit whilst having sex with an escort girl, take the risk and the consequences of the British press having the freedom of speech and legitimate reporting rights to disclose it. Otherwise, don't do it, or if you have a limited amount of self-control and perhaps too much money then do it a little more discreetly.

Just for fun (and hopefully outside the privacy laws for fear of libel) here's Miss Marples' deduction on who done the dirty deed....

Ferguson - Non runner. At 69, he's a bit puffed out from all that shouting at 4th officials and would probably need Viagra.
Ancellotti - 14-1 on. Italian sex drive but probably prefers a night in learning English.
Redknapp - 4-1. Liked Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and seen regularly ordering a green Thai curry from his local takeaway. Seen to twitch a lot when 'rubdown' mentioned.
O'Neill - 22-1.
McCarthy - 14-1. Rumoured only to get excited by pit ponies and likes his women to wear a miners uniform whilst moaning 'by 'eck lad, that's a cracking lump of anthracite'
Brown - 2-1 on Joint Favourite. Has a look of the nightclub regular, shirt open, medallion-wearing Lothario.
Megson - Non runner - would bore the girls to death during foreplay
Mancini - Non runner. Was out of the country so has alibi. Looks a randy bugger though.
Pullis - Non runner. Was having baseball cap surgically removed at the time.
McLeish - 40-1. Possibility but being Scottish, wouldn't like paying for it.
Allardyce - 4-1. Visiting a lock-up on an industrial estate? Yep, he's one of the favourites
Coyle - 100-1. Only paid £15k a year from Burnley so couldn't afford a handjob let alone full sex
Benitez - 4-1. Possibility. Needs something to distract from his team's recent p*ss-poor games.
Grant - 5-1. The quiet ones are always the worst
Zola - 4-1. One of the favourites. Italian testosterone and penchant for wearing tracksuits
Wenger 2-1 Odds on. Big favourite but unfortunately, while the sex is going on, he's in the dugout and doesn't see the actual incident.

TAKE ME OUT - PERMANENTLY

Ok, here we go again with ITV1's latest showing of bilge. I thought it couldn't get any worse after the All Star Impression Show endured over christmas, but yes, I'm afraid it can. Take Me Out offers an new slant on the Blind Date format - a dating show hosted thoughout the 80's and 90's by Cilla Black.

Hosted by Peter Kay's sidekick Paddy McGuiness who tries very hard in a kind of cheeky chappie Northern way, it parades numerous women who all vie for the 'win' of being singled out by the prize male who is offered for their delectation by performing a 30 second speech, song, dance or novelty act. The prize male then gets to choose the final two girls by rejecting one and going for a date with the other.

Sitting exasperated with the show rolling on between Paddy's attempts at cheeky comments, the girls saying their vacuous comments, the boys trying ever so hard to impress, it all looks a little desperate. ITV desperate for grabbing Saturday night viewers, Paddy McGuinness desperate to break away from Peter Kay's shadow and adverts for Greggs the pie shop and appear a credible alternative to Vernon Kay, and just a hint of desperation from girls and boys for a little whiff of fame. Perhaps they should just cut to the chase and get the boy to come on and say 'I want a shag' and then the girl (generally called Chanelle) who's icon is Katie Price with the biggest norks and most extensive dental work exclaims with some panache 'I will give you a shag'. There it is, that's the crux of the programme. My version of Take Me Out would only last 4 minutes though... and that includes the post-coital cigarette.


Friday, 1 January 2010

JIMMY ARMFIELD HONOURED

The 2009 New Year Honours List saw a good selection of people receiving well-deserved honours. Nice to see Francis Rossi and Rick Parfitt of Status Quo get their OBE's. They are often knocked by the sniffy music press for their lack of musical ability and managing to stretch 3 strings only across all their records, but they've had a 40 year career and can still pack them in at their gigs. In sport Jensen Button got an MBE, Ross Brawn got an OBE and world champion gymnast Beth Tweddle got an MBE.

Three things about this years New Year Honours List which really made me smile...
Bruce Forsyth was again ignored for a knighthood.
Claire Bertschinger was made a dame for her services to international humanitarianism aid and nursing. She was the nurse working in Ethiopia making life and death decisions on having to choose which starving children to feed. Her unbearable situation inspired Bob Geldof to create the 1985 Live Aid concert to help raise money for famine victims.
Thirdly, the great Jimmy Armfield received a CBE. Jimmy played all his career at the mighty Blackpool FC and captained England on numerous occasions. He was also in the 1966 World Cup winning squad. Since retiring from football and brief managerial spells at Bolton and Leeds Utd, Jimmy has become well-known as a knowledgeable football pundit on BBC Radio Five Live. He has also come through his own battle with throat cancer with the dignity and fortitude associated with this gentleman. I have met Jimmy Armfield on numerous occasions through his association as a Regional Director with Age Concern. Each year, Age Concern have a christmas party and dance for the town's old folk held at Blackpool's famous and beautiful Tower Ballroom. It's a fantastic occasion and Jimmy Armfield is an exceptional patron who is a well-respected and eloquent voice for the town's older generation.

So many times we see bankers, MP's, acting luvvies, showbiz people and heads of corporate industry receive honours and awards. They are generally very well financially rewarded for plying their various trades and you have to wonder sometimes whether receiving a knighthood, a CBE etc is fully deserved.

So, I shall say a big congratulations to Jimmy Armfield CBE, Dame Claire Bertschinger and all the other worthy winners. Bad luck Brucie, there's always next year....