SO LONG GORDON....

I'm watching the breaking news of Gordon Brown's resignation as Prime Minister of Great Britain. It brings 13 years of New Labour government to a sad end. Sad in that it paves the way for the two public schoolboys and thoroughly Oxbridge Dave and Nick, to take over governing our country. Time will tell whether this coalition will be successful and bring about the promised change for the better. 


I only hope Labour bring in a new leader with verve and vision. Brown is no doubt a competant politician and his resignation has been undertaken with a fair degree of dignity. He just didn't command the confidence of the people or perhaps even privately amongst his colleagues. Perhaps his successor will bring in the 'Obama' factor and give the Labour party a fresh approach. I hope he or she gives Dave a real run for their money in their commons. In the meantime, here's some things Gordon may want to consider now he has some free time on his hands....




1. Pairing up with Erin Boag on Strictly Come Dancing 2010.
2. Celebrity Wife Swap - Gordon & Sarah and Bobby Ball & Von. 
3. Hell's Kitchen - Two grumpy Gordon's with knives? Ooh er
4. Compare of the Brit Awards 2011. 
5. Editor of Carp Weekly 
6. Inland Revenue Inspector 
7. Manager of Hull City FC 
8. The bloke bringing on the oranges at half time - World Cup 2010
9. Job Centre advisor  
10. Salesman - Harveys the Furniture Store   

SEA-SEA-SEASIDERS...

Blackpool FC took a step nearer the premiership today when they beat Notts Forest 2-1 in the play-offs. It's heady times at the club with the premiership getting tantalisingly closer. 

I watched the match on Sky this afternoon and was blown away by the atmosphere generated by the brilliant seasider fans. The fans and everyone at the club deserve some success - after all it's been a long time coming since the last flush of success from the Matthews and Morty glory days of the early 50's.  

Three people deserve massive credit for the latest success at Bloomfield Road... 

Karl Oyston, 'Pools chairman who has kept a tight ship and finally delivered on the new stadium which is magnificent. Ian Holloway who has managed the team through to the play-offs and has engineered the team into an excellent footballing unit (especially at home), and lastly..Charlie Adam, Blackpool's midfield talisman. He's the lynch pin of the squad, scores a few goals, takes the penalties and is not afraid to put the boot into a tackle. 

There's a long way to go yet and I really hope they do it. Blackpool hosting Man Utd and Chelsea next season? Wow, what a prospect...

The future's bright... the future's tangerine.

PARTY ANIMALS

It's the morning after the night before following my mate Dogger's surprise birthday party. After much planning and careful instructions on arrival times and where we should park cars (3 miles away to avoid detection), the party got off to a great start with birthday girl arrived with an appropriate look of surprise across her mush. It was only later that she disclosed that she knew something was going on, there was just too many things that didn't add up. Honestly, nothing gets past Miss bloody Marple. 
It was great to catch up with some old workmates and to marvel in the gorgeous food and more alcohol on display than Bargain Booze. It didn't take long before the cheeky vimto's were flowing. To anyone who hasn't sampled one, it's a blue WKD and port. Once combined, some view it as tasting of vimto. To me, it tasted of Benylin with the threat of imminent stomach pumping. I'm a rubbish drinker so one slurp was enough for me. 


One of the party goers works in the IT industry by day and is a magician by night. Fabulous! Out come the elastic band tricks, card tricks and coin tricks ably assisted by his glamorous assistant dressed in spangly leotard / party outfit and winning smile ie. moi. I can see why Phil chose me for this role. Call it the humour, the pleading and the more than passing resemblance to Debbie McGee. Anyway, once I was sawn in half, it was on to the important stuff like hitting the buffet which was superb. 


The party trundles on and the spliffs are handed round to a huddled, giggling mass loitering outside in the doorway. I was just there in my leotard purely for research purposes and to let doves out of a top hat to amuse my mates whilst they were all smoking. 


Anyway, time to go in the early hours and I'm driving home through country lanes with one of my oldest mates chatting away. Ahead in the headlights is a hedgehog crossing the road and as I swerve to avoid it, it must have legged it in fright and I hit it with my back wheels. After a hideously sounding bump, I felt sick, not to mention a murderer. We drove on in silent sobs until we got to our local town, when whilst waiting at traffic lights, a police van behind me started flashing its blue lights. With panic rising in my voice, I thought the police could see blood splattered on my the back of my car, or that it had become illegal to drive a car under the influence of a sparkly leotard and smelling of sausage rolls. I pulled over and with my usual guilt started my compulsion to confess every murder in Lancashire since 1978, all car thefts and for watching every episode of Big Brother since it started. I needn't have bothered, the police van sped past, no doubt on its way to some important crime on the Fylde coast with a proper criminals.  


Morning has arrived and I'm building up the courage to go outside to inspect my car for a dead, flattened hedgehog stuck to my back radials. It's with shaking hands I head towards my shed for my Karcher jet washer....  

TIME FOR CHANGE?

It's the night before the eagerly awaited general election and if we're to believe the polls, it looks like Gordon Brown may be sent packing tomorrow. In some ways it's a shame. When New Labour first swept to power in 1997, there was an upsurge in feeling not previously seen in the UK for many years. It felt positive, it felt fresh and you felt good times were ahead. And indeed to some extent, they have been. Under Tony we had sustained low interest rates, a good economy, low mortgages, money poured into education and the NHS. 
Then Gordon came along and inherited his position from an alleged 'deal' in a London restaurant many years before. He wasn't an elected PM and that rankled with many people. Where Tony Blair was upbeat, Gordon Brown was dour. He inherited his position at the worst possible time. We were in the midst of global terrorism, we were sending our troops into Iraq and Afghanistan to search weapons of mass destruction which never materialised, we slipped into a global recession and our banks collapsed under the strain of the credit crunch. The UK borrowed heavily to unprecedented levels whilst bank executives took multi-million pound pensions and pay offs. Gordon continued to make gaffes, even this week calling a labour supporter a bigot picked up to great effect on his microphone. A hasty apology was made but the damage was done. MP's and ministers tried three times in vain to oust him over the past few years yet he stayed. I'd imagine they wished they had now... 


It's possible that Gordon will be a loser tomorrow though not so much as David Cameron. He had it sewn up, he was way ahead in the polls and then he consented to the live debates. Along comes personable Nick Clegg and bish bash bosh, smash and grab job on a fair proportion of the Tory vote. Image matters. Image wins. Clegg did well and I think will do well tomorrow. A hung parliament is still on the cards....






  

SORRY, NO VACANCIES

Coming from Blackpool, it was with interest I watched the first episode of Three In A Bed, Channel 4's latest twist on the Come Dine With Me phenomenon.  It's a simple formula of three B&B owners spending the night in each other's establishments, sampling the hospitality and local tourist attractions. At the end of the night's stay, the couples pay the owners what they think the room is worth. Simples... 


The first episode pitted the old favourite cliche of the North-South divide. One B&B in Dorset with an older. slightly eccentric couple pitted against a Blackpool 5 star B&B charging something outrageous like £200 per night, and a cheap and cheerful B&B in Skegness run by a lovely married couple. Initially, the Dorset B&B was given some constructive criticism like 'it could do with a bit of a clean' which was enough to reduce the lady owner to floods of tears. At this point, you know the programme is on to a winner. The Southerners hit Blackpool with a look of disdain and comments like 'Yuk, it's so Northern, you know, for Northern people'. The same look was dispensed in Skegness but the likeable couple with the spotlessly clean B&B won the honours. 


Last week, we were shown the hospitality provided by Bournemouth's self-proclaimed male ex prostitute, rent boy, male model and gay B&B owner who only rents his rooms to gay and bisexual men. His entertainment evening treated the other B&B owner guests to tantric sex breathing lessons. Truly horrific. 


You kind of get the flavour of the programme. Yes, we get to see B&B's, landladies, full English breakfast and a big spoonful of eccentricity. But perhaps the more subtle undercurrent is class. The undertones are there throughout. From Camilla and Rupert's B&B in the South East charging £150 per night and throwing in bath robes through to Barry and Denice's in Morecambe who throw in a tea making machine and UHT milk. I made that up but you get the drift? It deliberately pits the opposites against each other and encourages confrontation. At times, it's a little uncomfortable when B&B's which are obviously cherished by their owners and take up many, many hours of hard work are picked apart because the duvet sets may be more Argos than Laura Ashley. All that said, it's compulsive viewing and another winner for Channel 4. 

FAG ASH LIL NO MORE....

Without a hint of holier-than-thou-ness, it's 5 years ago this week that I quit smoking for good. After 20 years of smoking and by my reckoning 150,000 cigarettes later, I decided that I no longer wanted to be a Fag Ash Lil. No one likes a reformed smoker especially when because they've stopped, they feel compelled to encourage everyone else to stop. I've tried hard not to fall into the sanctimonious category. No one likes a smug bastard either. 
My reasons for giving up? I hated the thought of being compelled to stand outside public places in the pouring rain. It shames me that's the reason for giving up a habit rather than the most pressing reason which should always be it causes cancer and will contribute to an early death. No, good old rebellious me. Can't stand being told what to do by the nanny state so I'll show 'em... I'll stop. Thicko here realised later that is exactly what the nanny state hoped I would do.. doh! 


I suppose I was always going to be a smoker. My parents both smoked. My mum, without the benefit of health education, smoked throughout her pregnancies. My siblings all smoked. Nearly all my friends smoked. To start smoking on 10 Number 6 and to start drinking on half a lager and lime was a rite of passage for anyone growing up in my era. It seems incredible to think we grew up going to cinemas with a non smoking section (about 3 rows) at the ABC Blackpool and we flew in jets where people smoked non-stop from rows 6 to 48. Nowadays, it rare to come across a smoker. That is, unless you work in the NHS!  


Giving up was pretty hard for the first week at least. I started on patches until the burn of nicotine on the upper arms drove me mad. And then there's the food craving. Blimey, it's true everything tastes better and twiglets are a great substitute for a quick B&H. 


So now, 5 years on and pop-pickers, here's my top 10 of none-holier-than-thou reasons for giving up the fags...


1. Your hair smells nicer 
2. You will have more money.
3. You won't wheeze 
4. You won't get as many colds, chest infections and bronchitis 
5. You won't have to stand outside in the rain whilst at the pub
6. Your life insurance costs less
7. People prefer kissing a non-smoker 
8. You won't have to wash ashtrays 
9. You won't have to decorate as often 
10. You will live longer. 

I'M BACK

I'm back after a 3 week break from blogging and using my laptop. Wow, what a lot has happened and no blogs to show for it. 
Clegg, Cameron and Brown have gone head-to-head in the televised debates with the media speculation that Clegg has increased his popularity and a good share of the vote following three self-assured performances. TV has been awash with political debate, polls and policy. I'll be glad when May 6th is finally over. 


A volcano erupted in Iceland causing travel chaos around Europe. It should give Ryanair a good excuse to grab some lost revenue back by charging passengers for excess fares for instance, an extra £10 for having a large arse, and extra £'s for a window seat, toilet paper and to use the plane steps. 


Chelsea look good for winning the premiership especially with Gerrard's delightful back pass. The Liverpool fans who were cheering for United not winning the title, should perhaps be questioning why Mr.Liverpool couldn't do a pass like that more often for Torres during the season rather than for Drogba at the end of it. Good news is that Blackpool made the play offs. An outstanding result for the team and for the town. One season up there, that's all Blackpool ask for. Heady times indeed for Ollie and the Seasiders.


The BBC showed the best drama I've seen in ages. Five Daughters showed the harrowing tale of the girls murdered recently in Suffolk and portrayed their lives of drugs and prostitution yet reminded the viewer that each girl was loved and cherished by their families. BAFTA award winning drama at its absolute best and I salute the BBC for commissioning it. On the flip side, Britain's Got Talent returned with the same old bizarre acts with an occasional glimpse of brilliance. The young, nervous accountant who sang Maria from West Side Story  was captivating and I hope he goes far.  


And finally, the weather got better! Weekends have been spent in my garden. My bedroom windows are open at night and the t shirts are getting an airing. I love spring because you know summer is around the corner. I feel better and happier. It's good to be back....