HERE WE GO AGAIN.....

Dancing on Ice returns on our screens tonight on tv. Always the poor relation to Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor, DOI still provides a weirdly compelling and slightly tacky televisual bonanza of z list celebs strutting their stuff on the ice rink. It has all the naff ingredients that has managed to draw in millions of viewers each series... spandex, sequins, budding romances, dramatic falls and injuries, vote offs and a panto-esque villian in the shape of resident bitchy and overly queenie Jason Gardiner. Jason of course, milks the part of villain for all its worth. Coming from a background of musical choreography (paradoxically not ice dancing), he doesn't let that stand in the way of making stinging comments on our poor little ice dancer triers. He hit the dizzy heights with his comments on olympic swimmer Sharron Davies' efforts when she did a spectacularly dull performance bedecked in a brown sequinned dancing outfit. Describing her performance as 'like faecal matter that won't flush away' was at best unkind and despite receiving floods of complaints, it got him and DOI some great publicity. 

This year's 16 contestants:- 

Angela Rippon - BBC newsreader from the 1930's

Chloe Madeley - lisp inflicted daughter of equally nauseous Richard & Judy 

Comedy Dave Vitty - who? 

Craig McLachlan - had a mullet when appearing in Neighbours in the 80's

Denise Welch - middle-aged Loose Woman

Dominic Cork - ex-cricketer

Elen Rives - ex-WAG and mother of Frank Lampard's kids. Oh Lordy

Jeff Brazier - ex of Jade Goody (of Big Brother and early death fame)

Jennifer Metcalfe - no sorry, I've no idea

Johnson Beharry - ex Army and awarded Victoria Cross in Gulf War

Kerry Katona - faecal matter that won't flush away

Laura Hamilton - nope, no idea

Nadia Sawalha - her sister played Saffron in Ab Fab years ago. 

Sam Attwater - not a clue, sorry 

Steven Arnold - killed off in Corrie over christmas, now free for DOI and panto

Vanilla Ice - how very clever to get a contestant's name to fit the show's format.

Which brings me nicely to the greatest Dancing On Ice moment? Has to be Todd Carty doesn't it?     

SKATING ON THIN ICE....

Dancing on Ice 2010 kicked off last night with the female celebrities saying lots of words like 'scared', 'terrified', 'journey' etc.

It's the usual offering of Philip Schofield shouting over the audience's hyper state of excitement, Holly Willowbooby looking pretty (&) vacant, an 'expert' panel of 5 - although it's generally the self-proclaimed Mr bad guy and token gay man who gets the most air time with his barbed comments about 'angry arms'. Emma Bunton also puts in a bizarre appearance on this year's panel.

All the girls got through their showbizzy routines with excellent backing tracks, albeit some more successfully than others. Couldn't help but think about those backing tracks so here's my alternative selections (if only the production team had the courage....)

Daniella Westbrook - White Lines; the Drugs Don't Work; Smells Like Teen Spirit

Sharon Davies - Man, I Feel Like a Woman; Long Tall Sally

Tana Ramsay - Something's Cooking in the Kitchen; Womaniser

Sinitta - You Don't Have to Take Your Clothes Off...

Emily Atack - Stupid Girl

Hayley Tamaddon - There's No Business Like Showbusiness

Heather Mills McCartney - Wide Eyed and Legless; Run to You or any Beatles track... I know, I know it's a cheap shot but what the hell...

Unfortunately, Sinitta got voted off after slicing through her partner's testicle with her ice skate. He took the news slightly better than Sinitta took the fact she's out of the competition. Oh well, that's showbiz.

My money's on Hayley and Daniel Whiston to win it. Both Blackpool born and bred but I'm not biased...