THE LETTER J

In the early hours, I sat bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely and troubled by the letter J. At first I thought I'd perhaps contracted malaria and was hallucinating because of raging fever, but then realised my hot water bottle had worked it's way up to the side of my head which accounts for my weird delirium over the letter J. Perhaps malaria is a little difficult to contract in the middle of February especially when you live just outside Blackpool. Anyway, after considered thought, I came to the conclusion that 'J' is a really crap letter of the alphabet.

Here's the evidence against the letter J....

No British football team starts with a J. The only decent club starting with a J is Juventus and they're a little on the corrupt side. As a Scrabble player, I hate getting a J. Although it's a high scorer, I always end up getting 10 points with J-E-T. I'd love to get a smart-arsed 7 letter word on a triple word score that included the letter J, but however hard I try, it always ends up with JET or JOT. I much prefer Z or Q. It was the last letter to join the modern alphabet joining the Latin version from the Germanic language. So we have the Germans to thank for Kraftwerk, hairy armpits, lederhosen and the letter J. Rubbish words start with the letter J.... jockstrap, judder, joggers-nipple, jalopy, jealousy, Jemima, jodphurs, jizz and Jordan. Incidentally, did you know the word Jordan means chamberpot? Could there be anything more incongruous than Katie Price and the contents of a chamberpot? I doubt it.

And the compelling argument against the letter J? J.J..J..J....Jedward.