GAIL FARCE

Last night's Corrie was a little surreal. It made no apologies for borrowing the story of the real-life disappearance of the 'canoe-man' for the Joe and Gail McIntyre storyline. The story so far is that Joe's been hounded by loan sharks and to escape the constant threats, he attempts to fake his own death so that wife Gail can cash the insurance money.

Quite how someone who owes a stack of money manages to hold on to a boat, suddenly acquire a car to tow it up to the lakes, sort out mooring fees, get the boat in the water unaided and stay in a luxurious lakeside cottage is a mystery to me. Anyway, Joe plans to disappear on the lake at night, presumed drowned, then lie low in Ireland until the money pays out. Simples. CSI Ambleside here saw a slight problem with the plotline. Surely a drowned body in a lake would show up eventually? Bodies don't normally sink to the depths for eternity unless they're weighted down? I also don't recall Cumbria's lakes having tides or man-eating sharks either, so a disappearing body would be a little problematic.

As in true soap history, the plan went arse up so to speak. Joe and Gail have a domestic and Joe badly sprains his wrist. Joe sails off onto an eerie lake with a full moon and a look of desperation in his tear-filled eyes. Gail meanwhile is left on the jetty with the actress Helen Worth acting her boots off wailing and declaring undying love for Joe.

Fast forward to the middle of the lake. Joe is slowly getting bladdered on a bottle of vodka and gets ready to get into the dinghy to take him to the shoreline when... oh bugger, the dinghy springs free. On a dead calm lake and with not a breath of wind, Joe begins leaning precariously over the side whilst desperately trying to haul in the dinghy. FRom nowhere, a gust of wind to bring down a chimney stack manages to move the mast boom (?) at an alarming rate and unlucky Joe ends up plunged into the icy waters. He then tries to swim back towards the boat but couldn't pull himself up with his damaged wrist. Cue the really dramatic bit when Joe realises this and simply falls backwards to be swallowed up downwards to the murky depths. Call it the cut price Windermere version of Leonardo di Caprio's death scene from Titanic.

So that's it, Corrie goes all Tales of the Unexpected on us. The plan went wrong and Gail the unluckiest bride in history says goodbye to husband number 4. The rest of us witnessed one of the strangest and silliest soap plot in history....

CRAMPS AND CHEERIOS

First week of new job completed and the weekend arrives. Had a quite late Saturday night followed by that delicious expectation of having a Sunday morning lie-in, a bacon sandwich breakfast, the Sunday newspapers and Corrie omnibus. That was the plan anyway...

Lately, I've begun that slippery slope decline into middle age when you get up in the night to go to the loo. That impossible to ignore message that alarms your brain and hips into action warning of impending Tsunami in the bladder department. So at 3am, my zombie-like half unconscious body was dragged across the carpet towards the bathroom muttering as I stubbed my toe.

Back to sleep, then at 4am, I thought I'd been shot in the leg by a sniper bullet. Sitting bolt upright and demanding gas and air whilst using words mostly beginning with F, I realise I had a leg cramp in my calf muscle. I had one years ago, but had forgotten the intense pain they cause. On the pain scale, they come just behind leg amputation without anaesthetic and childbirth. Not only that, your leg goes into spasm with the foot involuntarily flopping one way, then stiffly lurching the other way. Just to complete the carefully cultured image of sexiness, I'm thrashing round the bed with duvet and pillows flying and then trying to stretch a leg in spasm by sticking it upright through moans, groans and bad language. It's the longest 15 minutes of your life it really is.

So after a sleepless night, I feel like death. Cheerios for breakfast because I haven't got the energy to make bacon butties. My neighbours looked sheepish when I stopped to say good morning. I now fear I'm on the brink of an ASBO through my reputation as a bit of screamer during night time activities.

And it's back to work tomorrow....

CHERISHED PLATES

On my way home this evening, the car in front at the traffic lights had one of those personalised number plates. The car driver was a girl I worked with years ago called Diane. Her rather snazzy Range Rover sported the number plate 'D1 ROX'. Being a nurse, I kept thinking Dirox? Dirox? Is that an anti-psychotic drug? No, no hang on... is it that stuff for cystitis? Then the penny dropped.. Miss Marple here deduced that being a 40-something funky girlie called Diane, you'd obviously want to say to other road users 'Di Rocks!' Yay.. Cool...Wow! 'I drive a Range Rover and I rock yeah!'. Congratulations D1 ROX, you join all the other people who also rock.... the kids in the Romanian orphanages, Status Quo and Val Doonican in his rocking chair. Which brings me nicely on to my gripe which is why oh why do people buy naff cherished number plates?

Here's my theories...

1. An investment. They reportedly increase in value

2. Some people just have too much money

3. A desire and need to be recognised and admired? Make you feel a little self-important?

So in the spirit of research, I looked into the regtransfers website to check out the what's on offer and more importantly, how much does it cost to own a cherished or personalised number plate. Apart from the usual name initials combinations and Irish import plates, the following plates were also for sale under the heading 'naughty section'...

This subtle little plate will set you back the princely sum of £150,000. That's One-Five, Oh Oh Oh Oh...

It beggers belief who would actually display this plate on their car.. John Wayne Bobbit or John Terry perhaps? Anyway, for the disinhibited, slightly deranged rich boy, this plate can be yours for £99,995.

For the gentleman who likes to advertise the fact he takes drugs to help with erectile problems, this will set you back £60,000. They'll chuck in an electric aerial for free as well just to ram home the point (so to speak).

Judging by these photos, these celebs want to share their happiness about purchasing their cherished plates....

Chris Tarrant tries to hide his slight disappointment at having to buy his secoind choice plate after 'DO U W4NT 2 FONEAFR1END' had already been sold. At first you'd be forgiven for thinking why on earth would Chris Tarrant want to advertise a lock/security company on his plates. Then I remembered he does a bit of fishing and rather strangely bought a plate displaying a type of fish. Maybe H4 DOK had also been sold.

Keith Harris pays the ultimate tribute to the green duck who has provided him with a nice lifestyle and a black Merc to go with the cherished plates. Keith had similar problems as Chris Tarrant when his first choice plate 'HOW TO STRETCH A 30 YEAR CAREER ON I WISH I COULD FLY' couldn't fit on his Mercedes as it was a tad too wide. Keith Harris incidentally, is a neighbour of mine and I'm lucky to get to see Keith cruising round with this plate on numerous occasions.

So as a tribute to all the people with really naff cherished plates depicting fish or green ducks, or stating 'wow, I'm really cool', or 'wow, I have a penis', here's one just for you... enjoy.

RIO TO JOHANNESBURG

Fabio Capello did the right thing today by stripping the England captaincy from John Terry. Rio Ferdinand of Manchester United and England's current vice-captain will take over the role.

Terry's recent affair with the girlfriend of team mate Wayne Bridge was the straw that broke the camel's back following a long list of sexual indiscretions.

Fabio Capello has done the right thing for a number of reasons. John Terry's actions will undoubtedly affect the morale of his team. There will be those amongst his team-mates who see Terry as a captain invincible. Someone to be admired even. There are others who may feel that being the captain of England brings responsibility, leadership, pride and honour. Not words that are easily associated with a man who has behaved abysmally towards his wife and children and furthermore to a colleague. He has not learnt from his past mistakes but has continued to act with impunity.

Capello is on the brink of leading the England team to their first world cup final in over forty years. His skill and experience has steered England's players into a team which are hard to beat. Capello has made it clear that he does not tolerate the WAG and 'showbiz' culture that often overshadows and distracts the team's performance on the pitch. He simply cannot afford John Terry's antics to disrupt the dressing room and hamper England's chances of winning the world cup this summer. Capello gets my applause for not sanctioning the behaviour of a boorish, arrogant player who you get the feeling thinks that nothing can touch him.

I'm a little sad that an Englishman has behaved in this way and it took an Italian to stand up and send the message loud and clear that the captain's job means a little more than wearing an armband. I'm also sad though not surprised that John Terry didn't do the honourable thing - own up, apologise publicly, and stand down as captain.

The jury's out on Rio Ferdinand's suitability for the captaincy. Time will tell and all will be forgiven when he lifts the big one in Johannesburg...

NORTHERN SOUL

I may have mentioned a few times that I'm a born and bred Northern girl. I love living here, I love the wit and humour of Northern people and I love the diversity of the landscape. I particularly love the history and heritage of the North. It makes you who you are.

This week's Guardian included a feature on John Bulmer's photographs of the North taken in the 1960's and 1970's. Bulmer's evocative photos depict powerful images of the people going about their business within communities far removed from today's society.

Photo from a town in the Black Country taken in 1961. There's a distinct lack of cars, people and litter.

Miners just finishing a shift at Dawdon colliery 1965. I doubt there is a harder job or lifestyle than these men endured whilst working in the mines.

Women in Leeds clean and polish their doorsteps with sandstone. Having a clean doorstep and polished windowsills showed the rest of the community's womenfolk that the housewife kept a pristine home. 'She keeps a lovely front' was the ultimate accolade for the houseproud woman.

Northern mill girls on the way home with a chippy tea once wrapped. The days when fish and chips was served in newspaper and girls were rarely self-conscious about wearing rollers. It kept their hair safely under headscarves and away from the mill machinery. And the chips tasted better!

A street in Liverpool a year after Harold Wilson's resignation. His reputation amongst the working classes dipped due to his handling of the strikes by the Seaman's union.

A street in Manchester like a scene from 'Life On Mars'. My dad was one of 9 children whose family lived in a similar house in Gorton in Manchester. We were taken back there as young kids before the slum clearances. It was the first time I'd seen cobbled streets and a pub on every street corner.

Nelson 1960. An elderly lady still wearing her traditional wooden mill clogs while cleaning her gate post, captures the pride that many older residents had in the town.

I find this image quite sad. The hunched-up, elderly man taking a rest on a dustbin outside a clinic for sportsmen captures a poignant irony.

A scene from a pub in Manchester taken in 1961. There's a real sense of community spirit at the local pub where people are enjoying themselves with a milk stout in one hand, and a fag in the other.

HERE'S JOHNNY....

I've just watched '100 Greatest Scary Moments' shown recently on Channel 4. It's one of those usual 'list' countdown to the number one with a running commentary between each featured piece by some dufus z list celebrity who just makes some inane comment. This programme started off well in that the people instrumental in the production of the films and programmes depicting the scary moments such as film historians, actors, directors etc were commenting on each feature.

There were some preposterous old black and white horrors which must have been seen as really scary in their day. These usually featured Bela Lugosi as Count Dracula or Boris Karloff as Frankenstein's monster and some screaming and terrified young woman. Also shown were some old forgotten shows from the 60's and 70's which again was of it's time showing docu-dramas of alien landings and nuclear fall-out. In today's CGI technology, the special effects used then look ridiculously outdated.

Perhaps most baffling is where programmes of this genre include what I call 'fillers' which means nonsensical items bearing no relevance to the programme. Here's an example. Alice Cooper singing School's Out was thought to be one of the all-time scariest moments. Not that the song was scary you understand, just the fact Alice Cooper looked a little scary with his makeup and opting to use a snake occasionally in his act. The only scary person wearing that much makeup was Barbara Cartland. I'm sorry, but Alice Cooper was NEVER scary. He was called Alice for God's sake.

The other thing which really gets my goat is that all's going swimmingly well until the producers feel compelled to include a 'comedian' no-one's ever heard or someone in the mee-dia like an assistant PA to the assistant Editor of Fashion at Heat Magazine to share their wit and insight on a featured moment. Cue the 23 year old, spiky haired and barely shaving numbskull who comments on the scary public information films from... wait for it... 1973. Now, I'm well past from early 20's and as a little kid in 1973, can just about remember the character dressed as the grim reaper warning little kids to avoid going near ponds or locking themselves in fridges. I don't remember being particularly scared by it, just a little wary. However the 20-something recites it verbatim, can 'remember being scared witless by Donald Pleasance's voiceover' whilst laughing at the memory. Sorry dipshit, but you weren't even a cell in the semen in your dad's gonads when those films were first broadcast so your opinion is about as valid as a luncheon voucher in a brothel.

Anyway, the programme whittled down the usual suspects through Psycho, Nightmare on Elm Street, Texas Chain Saw Massacre and The Exorcist. The number one rated greatest scary moment?.....Jack Nicholson breaking through the door with an axe in The Shining.

For me, as a young kid I always thought Armchair Thriller was pretty terrifying. I also had nightmares after watching Hitchcock's The Birds and Psycho. And don't get me started on Jaws. I didn't swim in the sea for years after that. These days I can't even watch any horror films or thrillers as I'm too much of a scaredy cat. I get my scary moments nowadays from opening my bank statements....

FIRST DAY AT WORK

Well, I managed to get through my first day on my new job as a qualified Community Mental Health Nurse relatively unscathed.

As a student nurse, your training involves working on a variety of placements in various settings. This gives the trainee a wide spectrum of clinical skills to be gained in a general hospital, psychiatric hospital and community settings. The team I'm lucky to be working on now always enjoyed an excellent reputation amongst the student nurses. Fortunately for me, the team manger saw some potential in the nervous yet amusing character presented to her at interview and gave me the job. After today's good start, I think I'm going to like this job. I think I'm going to like it a lot...